AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by sirenangel on Tue Jun 07, 2016 1:25 am

Ludger watches him with that look in his eyes the whole time, even as the doctor is patching him up. He'd gotten into scraps plenty of times, be it with gangs and trained people, and in those days he would get injured then as well. But never once, not a single time, did someone stay behind and help him. He would handle himself every time, drag himself to the hovel he was staying in and patch himself up in tears.

The pain eventually began to mean nothing to him.

But Julius, who never showed a hint of care, threw himself at that agent to save him. He can't let himself fall asleep. He can't let Julius sneak away.

"I should." He says, but he doesn't take his eyes off the other man. "...I still don't understand."
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by Axton on Tue Jun 07, 2016 8:50 am

"There's nothing to understand," Julius insists even now, even as he's making himself as comfortable as he can allow himself to be in the chair next to Ludger's bed, even as he sits and stares at him with something that is clearly some sort of emotion, although what it is is a mystery to Julius. He'd never once bothered to save Rideaux's ass. If he get hurt, it was his fault and he would have to suffer the consequences. Julius did not care about Rideaux at all, and he did not care about Ludger despite the mounting evidence to the contrary. Even he didn't understand it.

"I was just doing my job," he repeats for what feels like the millionth time. It doesn't sound any less hollow when he says it this time, either. It must be because of that tight feeling in his chest. He hated it. "That's all there is to it."
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by sirenangel on Tue Jun 07, 2016 11:38 am

He's clearly not buying it. Ludger knows he was a liability at best in that fight, and anyone with any sense and what he thought was a lack of regard for other people would have left him to his fate. Bakur's wants might have tied in, but then, why did he try to stop his bleeding?

"Was your job to watch me when the doctor came? To visit me here?" He asks, incredulously. "I don't get it. You don't make any sense. You should have let me stay there." The pain is dull, if only because he hardly feels it when he gets hurt anymore, so he shifts himself slightly. He doesn't look away from the other man.
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by Axton on Tue Jun 07, 2016 11:50 am

"It's not my problem if you're reading into it," Julius says, exasperated. He looks away from the injured man on the bed. "I'm only doing what I was told to do."

Julius is good at lying to other people, but he's bad at lying to himself. He can't shake the feeling that his behavior has been unshakably uncharacteristic of him since this kid showed up and it bothers him. He doesn't care what happens to him. He's only doing his job. If he dies, Bisley will have his head. But that had only been a thought after the fact.

What was happening to him?
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by sirenangel on Tue Jun 07, 2016 11:54 am

"There's no way Bakur ordered you to keep my wound pressured." He says flatly, his stare still boring into Julius.

"...I can't just forget this. I won't forget this. I owe you my life, so it's yours." Though dull, it still hurts enough he can't force himself to sit up and meet Julius's eyes, as desperately as he wants to.
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by Axton on Tue Jun 07, 2016 12:05 pm

Julius leans over Ludger and grabs him by the shoulders. He's leaning over him so close he can see the raw pain in his eyes keeping him from sitting up.

"I don't want your life," he hisses and his nails dig into Ludger's shoulders.

I can barely handle having my own life, he thinks bitterly.
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by sirenangel on Tue Jun 07, 2016 12:10 pm

He can hardly feel it. The pain in his side is all he feels, Julius might as well be holding him gently. His hands slink up his shoulders and he loosely laces his hands behind his neck.

"You have it." He says, his voice soft enough it would take a lot to hear it. "Regardless."
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by Axton on Tue Jun 07, 2016 12:28 pm

Julius sighs heavily but doesn't pull away just yet. Instead, he rests his head against Ludger's and looks into his eyes and he plans on waiting until the other man falls asleep before he'll be satisfied pulling away.

Things are certainly going to be interesting from here on out, whether he wants them to be or not.
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by sirenangel on Tue Jun 07, 2016 12:41 pm

Ludger tries to do better over the course of his work. He's more cautious than ever before and forces himself to keep a better eye out for his surroundings. Once was enough, he thinks, he doesn't need Julius to have to watch him like some stray who can't stop picking fights. And maybe he is one. But he doesn't forget the kindness he was shown, not even for a moment.

Sometimes he thinks he can see a hint of affection behind those empty eyes. He doesn't dare hope for it, but he likes the idea he could see it there. He's not sure what he himself feels, but he is sure he wants Julius to feel something for him.

He's certainly improved over the six months after his injury--or at least, he's gotten safer. Smarter. They'd finished a mission that was perhaps trying, but not truly difficult, and are heading back to Trigleph on the Drellin train. He's let his thoughts wander a little far when he speaks up, reclined and staring at the wall.

"Have you ever been with someone?"
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by Axton on Tue Jun 07, 2016 1:06 pm

Julius looks at him quizically. He's leaning back against the seat with his legs crossed. He stares at Ludger in disbelief.

"...in what way?" He asks cautiously.
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by sirenangel on Tue Jun 07, 2016 1:07 pm

Ludger cranes his neck to look to him, his lips upturned into a smile. That's a good expression on him.

"In any way. What way do you think I mean?" He responds, shifting to face him better.
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by Axton on Tue Jun 07, 2016 1:12 pm

"Who has the time to discern what you're thinking?" Julius says, turning away from him. But he has a decent idea of what Ludger is asking.

"Yes." He says finally, but not without a certain amount of reluctance. "But not anymore."
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by sirenangel on Tue Jun 07, 2016 1:15 pm

"We have all the time in the world." He chuckles.

"Not anymore, huh?" Ludger repeats, looking to the side once more. "I never have. In any way. Girls have asked, but I'm not interested in them."
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by Axton on Tue Jun 07, 2016 1:21 pm

Julius searches Ludger's face for any indication of emotion but, as usual, finds nothing.

"He wasn't worth the trouble." Julius says honestly, and he's pretty sure Ludger must have some idea of who he's talking about now.
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by sirenangel on Tue Jun 07, 2016 1:25 pm

Ludger knew the second he'd said 'not anymore'. He can't deny that upon hearing Julius's words his heart pounded just a little faster, though what that really meant he wasn't wholly certain.

"He definitely doesn't seem like it." He remarks, smile unfading. "I wonder if I would be."
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by Axton on Tue Jun 07, 2016 1:46 pm

"Who knows," Julius says but for once in his life his emotions seep into his words for just a moment and he resents it. Longing, maybe. He can deny that the thought isn't tempting.
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by sirenangel on Tue Jun 07, 2016 1:56 pm

His heart pounds again and he might just show a little bit of surprise, too. He plays it off, but it's clearly there.

"Wouldn't that be interesting." He remarks, the veneer of calm washing back over him as he adjusts his position in the seat. Interesting isn't the word for it. Not really. Exciting is the correct word. He wonders if Julius can tell he's genuine in this thought. He doubts it.
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by Axton on Tue Jun 07, 2016 2:02 pm

"No, it would be a mistake," Julius insists as calmly as he can but he can feel his hands shaking. He folds them in his lap. Julius knows he right but that doesn't stop him from thinking about it in greater detail than he should.
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by sirenangel on Tue Jun 07, 2016 2:05 pm

"As if mistakes are foreign to us." He crosses his legs over. "Can't you imagine it? I can. Your hands in mine, your lips on mine." He doesn't look away from Julius, hoping to catch his eyes.
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by Axton on Tue Jun 07, 2016 2:11 pm

Julius knows better but by the time he's telling himself to stop he already has Ludger's shirt balled in his hands. He shoves him against the wall but stops himself before he crosses that invisible barrier still set up between them.

"Is this what you want?" He hisses down at him. "I'm not a kind lover."
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by sirenangel on Tue Jun 07, 2016 2:14 pm

"Have I ever indicated I wanted a 'kind' lover?" Ludger almost croons his words, his hand sliding up the inside of Julius's jacket.

"Let me be clear, for maybe the only time. I want you." His hand slips up and he grabs him by that hideous bolo tie and tugs him into a decidedly non-chaste kiss.
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by Axton on Tue Jun 07, 2016 2:37 pm

Julius knows it's a mistake. It was a mistake when he did it with Rideaux, and this was doubly a mistake. More so because he actually wanted it this time. He wanted it like he'd never wanted anything in his life.

Julius' is not soft as he forces his hands into Ludger's shirt, delighted to feel the contact of skin against skin. Ludger feels softer than he imagined and he almost laughs without any real humor.
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by sirenangel on Tue Jun 07, 2016 2:44 pm

Mistake or not, Ludger wants this. Emotions or none, he can feel the raw need in Julius's lips. There's still an hour left on their train ride and he doesn't care if anyone sees anyways.

Ludger hikes up a leg to wrap around him and yank his body up against his own, parting his lips into the kiss and arching his back into Julius's cold touch. He lets a little moan out into the kiss, real or not, to egg him on.
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by Axton on Tue Jun 07, 2016 2:59 pm

Julius tangles his fingers in Ludger's silver hair and he can feel Ludger's tongue brush his. He knows it betrays his eagerness, but he runs his hands down to Ludger's thighs and squeezes. The small noises Ludger is making aren't real, but he still has plenty of time to watch him unravel beneath his fingers. Somehow, somewhere along the line, that had become his only desire.
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Re: AU Where Everything Hurts and Nothing is Okay

Post by sirenangel on Tue Jun 07, 2016 3:12 pm

He doesn't go under the thin fabric of Julius's shirt with his light hands, but he does trace his fingers over his chest, resting at his pecs as he eagerly deepens the kiss. He curls his fingers against him and oh-so-subtle as ever, grinds their hips together. Ludger's almost surprised Julius is responding so... well.
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